I think I know my wish..
I want to have magic in me.. Or a magic that 'following' me.
..magic that can make rain comes in a perfect timing.
..get the road we're about to pass clear.
..get us space to park our vehicle.
..magic to get the sky clear when it's needed.
..magic to translate my mood into happenings. Especially the good ones.
That's my wish to God. 😊
*btw..ini gw lagi di floating market..nunggu si kakak lagi keliling beli makanan 😄
2:51pm 28th Nov '15
I'm in a stressful state right now.
I want you here by my side.
I really want to be a cry baby and worrying things while you try your best to calm me down.
I seriously want to cry my eyes out right now.
..I'm addicted to sadness, remember?
But still, this condition is best.
1. I get in touch with my long idled addiction: sadness.
2. I'm about to level up, I believe. Since I am facing a 'level boss'. Oh, please note that this is a subjective opinion. This. Is. A. Level boss. For. Me.
..ooooh my God I'm so afraid.
3. B'cuz of this long distance relationship I have, I am forced to be more stable. *oh yes, I take everything as therapy* I am forced to get stronger. More independent.
..and forced to leave my addiction maybe 😐
Anyhow, I am enjoying my moment right now. The pain. The sadness. The hopelessness. The dim lit room. And the sense of loneliness. 😳
I'm affffraid~ 😵 damn it.
Being in a relationship is really frightening. I am frightened.
..at least for now.
I don't know what's anything anymore.
I don't know what's my behavior will get me.
I just.. don't know.
I lost my ability to think clearly if it's come to 'boredom in a relationship'.
But actually now I can accept the fact that I'm badly poisoned by that very subject.
It's my lonesome battle however. 'Cuz I am the only being on earth who have anything to do with that.
Damn it I'm so afraid. 😣
I don't know if there'll be something hurtful again in the future..
What the fvck.
Why shud I down this path ever again? 😢
I'm already so tired with just the thought alone.
Okee..ini aneh sih 😂 I even need to have a serious talk with myself with the help of a mirror to reassure me of what is happening now. I made a U-turn. Some of my consciousness still heading to my former direction sometimes. *which I found cute*
But I've decided to walk this path. That's why I had that serious talk with me. To gather all my consciousness..and tell them that I've changed my direction. And that they have to abandon that direction to once again walk with me.
I'll need all my consciousness to walk properly, you know.. 😉✨
Hhhh~ what a twist I got in my life. #frustrated #dumbfounded @@)a imagine a gay man born into a girl body..and yet he refuses to have a standard (boy x girl) love story. What the fvck.
What are we doing, you asked?
Rebutan babu.
You might be controlling more people than I am.. But I don't think you are higher that me (anymore). #itsAllAboutTheThought
Feel free to judge my live. The thing you are highly restricted to do is bring those judgments to my face. It's not like I need to know your opinion anyway.
Don't ever push your ideas of life or your life plan while we are chatting in the same chatroom. It's not like we're gonna share our future anyway.
How if..
Sebenernya bapaknya Angeline yang jahat..?
Sebenernya dia yang mau nyingkirin Angeline..tapi pake tangan orang lain.
Dia tau istrinya ga stabil..makanya dia mancing kebencian istrinya terhadap Angeline dengan ngasi warisan lebih banyak ke Angeline.
Then the story went on as how people know it.
Now that I think about it.. My barriers are activated by the power of voices. Or even.. I got powers from voices.
Because..
Either it is a loud music to distract me from anything.. Or it is my own voice to disrupt the mellow atmosphere that might looming over me when a certain someone is around..
I realized that I use voices to control my mind. To keep it's balance.. [Alert: my own definition of 'balance'.] To get a grip of situations.
But with that being said, one can also say that I'm in a weaker state when I make less sounds.. Hmm..so there really is something can be used to identify things going on inside me. :( Need to fix this then.. :) way to go! ;)
Plus.. cheerful music also invigorates me at times I need it.
That's it. Again, I know one more trivial point about me :)
I'm a bit closer to know me better! ^^) Yay!
Because of that not-significantly-exist guy..
I became a better me. Especially in social field.
1. I got better in talking to people.
2. I'm more capable in keeping friends.
3. I got better in managing my anger.
4. I mastered smiling.
Because of that ambitiously-ambitious guy..
I learned how to hang on in hard time.
1. I cud finish my final paper on time.
2. I got the idea of what a dream is.
3. I tasted how a real hard work feels like.
4. I tasted how being productive everyday (it almost become 'every time') feels like.
Because of that who-the-hell-are-you-anyway-we-just-know-each-other-not-for-so-long-and-you-already-intrude-my-castle-and-fooling-around-everywhere guy. What the fvck.
I got a better grip on myself.
1. I reminded not to easily tempted by temporary and yet fake happiness.
2. I got better in dictating the heart about what it shud feel and what it shud not.
3. I got better in giving sweet reactions no matter how screwed up my heart is.
4. I (almost) mastered moving on and finding new targets to move on to.
Really, thank You.
I think I wud need all these stuffs in the future if I really will down the single-fighter path.
I'll take the believe that their appearances is solely Your kind plan for me.
I wud never feel gratitude toward them. But I wud try not to hold any grudge toward them either.. because through them, I got wonderful things. I got more wonderful. Or.. more likely because.. they are just.. a mere.. tools? :|
Well, whatever. I don't really care about them anyway _^_)a they're not that significant now that I think about it.
I made them waaaay insignificant.
Anyhow, thank You :)
And pardon my brute words -_-)a can't really hold them when I'm in this mode °w°)
I got a mission to carry along my lifetime.
I think I hardly can live an ordinary life now.. Since I'm too broken to live one.
Let's take a sample like if I'm about to marry and have child(ren)..
I can't imagine what kind of being will they become.. What kind of characters will they have..
See, i cannot possibly forget the stability just for a temporary fun.
I put up barriers.
I promised me that nobody will be able to see it, smell it, nor touch it.
Well, some people might be able to feel it one day..
..but I promised me they wouldn't be able to locate it.
So they would never enter my kingdom.
In the kingdom, I'm the sole Queen.
I'm the only Residence.
I'm the Kingdom.
I am My Kingdom.
In the end I cud only praise and thank You. Thank You. Really. For my blessed environment, my freaky point of view You gimme, my living standard, and everything that makes me me. Yes I like me that much. Thank You for giving me this awkward self.
And one thing, I think I wud never leave the 'engineering' track. Haha ^^) cuz I like the people there. Less drama.
Even after all the..
"I'll beat you severe enough until you can't love."
and..
"I'll provide you the ultimate protection as far as I can go with my strength. The stronger I become, the stronger protection will you get.".
Yet here I am. Falling. Failing to keep my heart still.
'Pekerjaan mempengaruhi kepribadian orang.'
It does.
'Daerah membawa karakter orang.'
It does.
And yet you were blabbering to me about the people with the same background as mine. What were you thinking about? Being stupidly silly??
>> If you happen to forget, she talked about how Javanese being not to the point when they're upset. Ok, miss Leni. Remember?
When LIFE got a thousand ways to hurt me, I'll find 1001 ways to protect myself.
Life just can't beat me.
Come to think of it, im pretty stable today. It was the ocassions which were 'fluctuative'..
On the happy point, i got to hang out with my old friends at Ciwalk.. including the one that i havent seen for tiiiiiiime~ and also my ood crush: tian. It was three of us..me, tian, and freddy.
I personally admit i was good at handling it..considering how my old self usually act.
And on the unhappy point, i made 2(?) of my friends waiting for me like..3,5 hours.. jeje and domi. I feel so bad afterward. It was entirely my faults for not informing them that i was going somewhere and that i wanted to cancel the meeting..bcuz i was more interested in meeting my old friends.. i was terrible.
But now that i see inside me at the end of my day..im pretty stable. I do feel bad about them. I am feeling it right now. But i still can think clearly and dont jump into conclusion like how i usually do.
I do thank God for this event. So that i come to know that i have metamorphed. And that jeje is a good people. I shud treasure him as a friend. And one more thing..that i think is the biggest fraction of bless i received..is that im given the opportunity to handle things. Difficulties.
I'll deal with those two(?) that i hurt. I might have stole their precious time for made them waiting for nothing. And i also will deal with my feel of guilt.
Because feeling guilty is not the answer. The hurt one wont be able to see it, even until you die bcus of the guilt consuming you. Take an act. A sincere one.
Actually, im planning to deliver them meal through delivery order. Hope this will do the trick. Shud also think about a nice and brief apology letter tough.. :3
And lastly, good (morning?), sleep tight, me.
Everything's gonna be alright.
What the fvckk shud I do??!
It's not like I'm a humanitarian or something. Yeah, I'm far from a humanitarian to be exact. I'm kinda inhumane if you want to go even further.
Then what the fvck shud I do with this parasite? @@)>
It's not like I'm happy to give my (idle) hand or the like. It's just because I don't have a wide range of choices to take.
Ooh! Now that I think about it, is it some kind of punishment? For me being too self center? 0_0) a
Goddammit. Tell me earlier.
Well, I still don't plan to accept this with no complaints. Okay, I'm not the type of complainers either. I won't complain.
I'll accept this with a plan.
.. and a more ready heart.
Once again,
THIS LIFE CAN'T BEAT ME.
